Adult Funny Pages: Sex im Altersheim

Q and A

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?

A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A:"Honey I'm home"

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?

A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?

A: Cover me I'm going in!

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/eroticjokes.html

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According to the dictionary

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks
up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and
they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished
the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker
repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs
his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks
up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up
Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

On A Long Train journey

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me
kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later
he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me
kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man,
"We're just haggling over the price!"

Quarantine

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

A Halloween Party To Remember

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go
the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened
to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

Keeping it in the family

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door
and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard
noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room,
found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked
out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her
husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

A Wedding Night Story

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple
go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty
next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get
it enlarged."

Getting The Most Out Of Counselling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the
counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife
began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can
have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Adult Funny Pages

Sex im Altersheim - Comic

Flying Kites

The Family Photo Album

Doggy Style Variations

It's Where You Set Your Standards